On Being Open to Life

I have my good days.  I have my bad days.  A night of awful sleep in which both kids wake up and there is lots of crying and trying to coerce them back to sleep, I am an angry zombie.  You’ll hear “I’m never having another child!”  from my lips.  If enough time has passed and the kids are being super sweet and adorable, my heart starts to soften.  But the first year of a babies’ life is not my favorite.  I’m not a baby person.  Babies are so very dependent and require so much time and sacrifice.

But all this talk is me, me, me. A line from a book called “Are You in Reality” by Gregoire Plus, struck me: “Life is difficult, and many would like to live as if life should be easy or without problems”.  This line immediately made me think of my fears of having more children.  I wrote down a few notes to understand why I am so nervous about this area in my life and why I try to resist giving it over to God.

1.  My life will become more difficult again (and it’s been getting easier lately since my youngest is over a year).

2.  I will lose some of my recently gained “freedom” as I’d have to start over again with sharing my body with another (from pregnancy to breastfeeding…)

I think I’d written down a 3rd point, but it was probably just another way of saying “It’s not going to be easy.  In fact, it’ll be downright difficult for a while!  And I’ll lose my “freedom”, whatever that is to me”.

So to admit this fear out loud really made me understand that I am resisting the toil of being self-sacrificial.  For some months I could go through much difficulty and be forced to sacrifice much of myself for my family, and maybe struggle with depression for a short time (I don’t take big changes very gracefully).  But after that rather short time (in the spectrum of things), I would come away with a child who will turn into an adult and forever be a love in my life that I will never regret.  And who is, in fact, an eternal soul.  It still seems kind of worth it to me…..

At this point, however, for my own sanity, I think spacing my children out a bit is a good thing.  But these thoughts and questions about when I might be ready for another child is more than just about what I want.  Creating an eternal soul is God’s specialty, so I think it important to ask His input and clarity on the matter.  Sometimes I was afraid to pray about this as I was afraid it’d be sooner than I wanted; but I want to be open to God’s will in my life and trust that He’s working for my good. Maybe a life of self-sacrifice in raising a family is the way God intends to sanctify me and lead me to holiness if I cooperate.  No saint ever walked the path to sanctity with ease.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Aubri
    Mar 07, 2014 @ 20:35:20

    Hello Deanna! I found your blog through Rebekah’s Hidden With You. This is a great and honest post. Fertility is a very difficult topic and one that is very hard for women to relinquish their “control” on. I have had 6 babies in 5 years. I get a lot of questions about that. I shared my reasons on my blog if you’d like to read the post I wrote, it’s called “How I March for Life”, unfortunately I can’t post the link or this comment won’t go through…sorry. Also on the hardships that come with 6 babies in 5 years in my post “The office of Mother”

    I really wish there was more discussion between women on the issue of “controling fertility” vs. “not controlling”. It’s a lonely and scary road for those of us who have decided not to, but you made a good point about the souls God creates and I just can’t imagine saying no to more of them. Not now at least.

    Anyway, glad to read this post and wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts on it!

    Reply

    • Deanna
      Mar 08, 2014 @ 00:42:34

      Hi Aubri,
      I am really clueless when it comes to features on my blog, so I’ll have to get my husband to help me make commenting on my blog and sharing links easier. Thanks for your thoughts on the subject. I will check out your post and I’m curious about your blog. 6 kids in 5 years! Wow. I am definitely interested in how you manage. As in I’m awestruck because I can’t imagine 🙂

      Reply

  2. Aubri
    Mar 08, 2014 @ 14:26:04

    Well, I think the problem with adding links to comments is entirely on my end! We have a weird self hosted/wordpress blog that my husband manages and for some reason if I put links to it on any other WordPress blogs the comment never goes through…weird, but most likely not your blog’s fault. 🙂

    Blessings to you!

    Reply

  3. Aubri
    Mar 08, 2014 @ 14:27:03

    OH wait! Look, my first comment! Is there, I didn’t even notice….now this is really all my problem isn’t it! :0

    Reply

    • Deanna
      Mar 08, 2014 @ 19:01:40

      no i found it in my spam. I didn’t know what to do with it so I approved it. Then I realized I probably just made it appear. lol so it’s my bad.

      Reply

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